What I Wish I Knew Before Asking For A Divorce

Hello everybody and welcome to another episode of the Divorce Woman’s Guide podcast.

I am Wendy your host and your divorced Woman’s Guide I am so excited to be here with you guys today and as a reminder please do not forget to hit subscribe so that you don’t miss a single episode that comes out every single week and if you feel compelled and you love the show, which hopefully you do you will give me a star reading and write a review.

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So today’s episode you guys
is inspired by actually an event that I attended
just earlier today
and it has to do with what I wish I knew
before I uttered the word divorce
and so some of what I’m gonna talk about today.

I don’t think you’ve heard
and I say that because
even when I talked about this today
at the event that I was at
so many people came up to me and said oh my God
I’ve never heard this before.
no one’s ever said this before
so you’re gonna definitely wanna stay tuned
and if you have friends who are going through
or thinking about divorce.
this would be a really great episode to forward to them
so that they can take a listen
um because I have a unique perspective on
what it is that I wish I did differently.

so my first piece of advice is this is
you don’t understand what happens
when you even speak the word divorce to your spouse
if that word comes out of your mouth
it can very well be
the date of dissolution of your marriage.

which can impact you from a financial position
and so what I always tell my clients who come to me
who are contemplating divorce
is to just make sure that
you are not throwing that word around loosely.

I do not use it as a threat
because it’s just gonna come back
and bite you in the tush at the end of the day
um but what you get to do instead
is to talk to somebody who can help you who can guide you.

you know I do a ton of this work with my clients
who are thinking about divorce
and I will tell you that there are just as many
who go back to their spouses
as those who choose divorce
what I care about
is that you are making the best decision for you
based on what it is that you desire.

the vision of the life that you want
and if you don’t know what that is
then it’s not something that you guys
should be threatening or using as
you know a weapon against yours
your spouse
so just be sure to not throw the d word around loosely.

if you are unhappy
instead of projecting
your anger or your resentment towards your spouse
uh what I would recommend you do instead
is to go into a support group.
if you’re in therapy
if you wanna hire a coach like me
to help you
to figure out what is the best choice for you
that is what I would recommend you do instead.

so I really wish I knew that
because for me
it was just like
it was immediate
I was like I
get out of my house
like I don’t want you here
uh you know.

so much deception and um
I threw that word around quite a bit
and literally
it is the date by which everything started
you know from that day forward is when everything started
getting separated
and in hindsight
I really wish I would have
waited to say the word and
and done some work. To get myself set up before I
spoke it to him
so that’s number one
No. and again
I share this with my clients is 
I really wish that I had consulted
uh a financial planner
and had a better landscape of our finances.

before I went down the divorce path
and this is something that is so important
especially for
those of you
who maybe don’t have
visibility on your finances or as
as visible of you know
an idea of what your finances are
credit cards
joint accounts
individual accounts
um it’s important that you understand the landscape.

by which your
entire marriage is gonna be based off of you know
this may sound cool to some of you guys
but honestly
divorce is a disillusion of a business right
it really is
it’s it’s a
dividing up
and it gets emotional
and it gets
you know it
it gets hard
I’m not gonna lie.
I mean I wrote a book
divorce sucks now what
for a reason
um and so I really advise that you make sure
that you are consulting with a financial planner
because if you’re not
then you don’t have a full
landscape of
what it is that you have
and what it is that you stand to walk away with
when your marriage is over .so
um that is something honestly
before you even hire
an attorney
I would talk to
a financial person
and the other thing
that I again
did not do this
and I wish that I did
and the other
easy way for you to even get a handle on your finances
is to request a copy
of your latest tax return.

if you guys file jointly
and your name is on it
you have a right to a copy of it
and that is something that you can easily get
um you can get it from
uh your accountant
if you feel safe calling
you can also
get it through um the IRS
you can call them
it’s a lot easier than
you think um
and that’s something that I didn’t do
and so when it came time
I didn’t have a solid foundationof our financial situation and I was finding out about stuff along the way.

and it’s it’s just
one more thing that just
you know it’s
like everything
it was like
new things kept coming up
and I kept getting emotional
I kept getting derailed
had I had a visual
bird’s eye view
of what was going on
I would have been able to talk to my coach
ahead of time
and talk to my therapist ahead of time
and my financial planner
and I would have
had a lot more information
to be able to make a better decision for myself.

so there you go
that’s No.
and the No.
is what I
really wish I would have done is
I wish that
I had hired a coach
sooner than I did
to help me to create
that vision
of the life
that I wanted
after divorce.

um you know
I was not making
decisions from
the lens of my future self
I was making
decisions from
an irrational place
from a reactive place
from either
I wanna stick it to
you in place
or even from a place of
not necessarily
having like
a full grasp on what life
was going to be like
on the other side
both what I wanted
and what ended up happening.

and I find that
if you don’t have a clear vision
then you don’t know
what you’re
making a decision for
you don’t know what it is that
you are creating
you don’t know what
you’re asking for
uh you know
you don’t know what to ask for
let’s put it that way
and had I had such a clear vision.

I would have done it differently
I would have that
there are things that I would have
fought harder for
there are things that I would have conceded
there are things
that I would have done different
like percentages
across the board
for certain things
and it wasn’t that
I didn’t have
good advice
I was leading with my
emotions which
during divorce
happens and
it’s normal.

however that’s why
having somebody
by her side
uh you know
I is so important
I I see this
all the time
to everybody right
I wish I had me
when I was going through my divorce seven years ago.

I wish I had me
I wish I had
behind sight
that I do now
and that is what I’m
hoping you guys
are getting
a little bit of
from this podcast episode
and it’s also
what my clients get
when they choose to
do the work with me um.

the last thing
I wanna say
um about this
what I wish I knew was
divorce and I know this like
let me put it this way
I knew conceptually
right that likethis was between me and my ex husband right.

my kids had nothing to do with the divorce
and we really did keep them out of it
which to this day
like best decision ever
my kids are amazing human beings
and super well adjusted
and great communicators and all that good stuff but the
the lens that I didn’t have fully clear
was remembering that any decision that I was making
had to include them right.

my kid was about
it’s really about making sure that I’m set up
in the best way possible
to be able to not just support my kids but like
to be a good parent to them during this process
and on the other side
right.

I think so many times
we think that it’s between us and our soon to be axed
but ultimately
it is it’s about your kids right
it’s like oh
I’m gonna stick it to him
and you know
but they’re still gonna be your co parent right
they’re still gonna be in your kids lives if
depending on your state
legal rules
depending on you know
circumstances
I know sometimes it’s not always or you know maybe one parent is waiting more of their rights um.

that’s fine but they’re still your co parent right
they’re still involved in your kids life and again
there were decisions that I would have made differently
had I had that thought present from the beginning.

like I wish
I really do wish
that I had done things from the lens of remembering
that this has to do with my kids
um you know
the last thing I’m gonna say is that um
in this I guess
could be No.
things I wish I knew was um
I kept saying that I failed right.

my negative self talk was rampant
and I wish that somebody had come to me sooner
and corrected my language right
told me that my marriage failed right
I’m not a failure
instead of walking around and beating myself up
being in constant judgment of myself
again those are part of what keeps this super
emotional for you.

and so I invite you guys to really pay attention
to what it is that you are saying to yourself um
because what’s on the other side is
so much growth
and so much healing right
um I wish that I had asked for help sooner than I did
um I wish that I knew
I had higher awareness
right something I didn’t have
which I do now right
hindsight is simply having awareness
and so I hope that you guys learn something new
in today’s episode.

that you know maybe there’s other
uh things you wish that you had Learned
share them with me
I’m curious to know
uh what it is that you wish that you had known um
or that someone had told you
before you went down this process
and if you are somebody who is thinking about divorce in the middle of divorce
or even on the other side
and still navigating
don’t give up.

I really encourage you to
just ask for help
this isn’t something that any of us anticipate
or plan for
and all I can say
is that having somebody to be there for you
and guiding you
who’s been down this path before
and can help
move you through the emotions that much more quickly.

that’s what I highly recommend to everybody
and that is one of the things that you know I am super gifted at
is being able to
essentially C
kind of like
the blueprint of the visionof the life that it is that you want
and helping you break them down into smaller steps
so that you understand what it is that you are
making decisions about what it is that you desire
in all these different areas of your life.

so that you and your kids are set up
for nothing but
positivity success
and all the beautiful loving
joyful things that
I know that you want to create on the other side of
your divorce.

so thank you
guys for tuning in
if you’re not a member of my Facebook group
you need to join
it’s called
Divorce Rehab with Wendy
you can find me on
all social media platforms
definitely check it out
follow me and join my Facebook group
um I hope you guys have a beautiful rest of your day
sending you so much love
light and joy.

as always mwah
bye everybody
thanks for tuning in to another episode
of The Divorced Woman’s Guide podcast
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