Divorce can be a chaotic time. And while you’re rebuilding your life, you catch yourself being pulled at every side – friends asking for the exclusive scoop, seeing your ex get into a new relationship, or sulking in pity that you’re never going to be in love again.

Divorced Girl Smiling creator Jackie Pilossoph wants you to regain your focus and take control of what truly matters… without being so hard on yourself. 

Isn’t it amazing that you get to create something new? Now’s the time to give yourself grace and make the most of your clean slate.

Tune in to this episode on Staying Empowered and Focused In Your Divorce with Jackie Pilossoph

Key points covered in this episode: 

 ✔️ Schedule time to feel your emotions. The most upsetting news could break out while you’re in front of your loved ones. And while hiding your feelings is helpful. Not sparing time to express it at all can be detrimental. If crying at a later time is difficult, journaling is a discreet way to release.

 ✔️ Make room for goodness to crowd out the negativity. Instead of allowing your worries to take up your time and energy, take a deep breath and recalibrate your focus. Get busy and fill your mind with gratitude.

✔️ You have power over how you feel. Even without a significant other, you can be secure in yourself by doing the work on your self-worth and confidence and creating the life you want.

✔️ Fix yourself to be in the best position to meet new partners. It’s not the people or your location. It’s your mindset and how you show up on dates. Have you aligned yourself to your highest, most authentic self? This will help you to attract the right people.

✔️ Start small and do what makes you happy! Be open to new experiences, revisit old hobbies you’ve once enjoyed, and take baby steps. The universe will notice your hard work and your little actions will build into something bigger.

Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-in-chief of DIVORCED GIRL SMILING, a media company comprised of a website, podcast, mobile app, and professional resources. Divorced Girl Smiling (DGS) is a well-known marketing platform, brand, and global community. DGS has a mission to empower, connect, and inspire men and women before, during, and after divorce. Pilossoph, who holds a Master’s degree in Broadcast Journalism, is a former television news reporter and features reporter and writer for the Chicago Tribune.  Her syndicated weekly column, LOVE ESSENTIALLY, was published in The Pioneer Press, The Chicago Tribune, and all Tribune Publishing editions for 6 1/2 years. Pilossoph was also a Huffington Post divorce blogger for five years.

Website: https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DivorcedGirlSmiling/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/divorced_girl_smiling/

Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/divorcedgirlJP

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jackie-pilossoph-0851814/

Email: jpilossoph@gmail.com

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welcome to The Divorced Woman’s Guide
the podcast that empowers you to embrace your divorce
as a catalyst for awakening and transformation
are you ready to embark on a remarkable journey of self
discovery and growth
well join me as we navigate
the path towards embodying your true self
after divorce
it’s time to let go of your past
reclaim your power
and step into a life that is brimming with purpose
an unwavering faith
get ready to rise above the challenges
embrace the opportunities
and awaken the extraordinary
potential that lies within you
I’m your host
Wendy Sterling
and together
we’re going to uncover the profound gift and beauty
as well as the infinite possibilities
that come with embracing your divorce as an awakening
hello and welcome to another episode
of the Divorced Woman’s Guide podcast
how are you guys doing today
don’t forget to hit subscribe
so that you don’t miss a single episode
because I release one every single week
and I’m very excited that
you have decided to tune in to today’s episode
because I am here with my friend
Jackie Pelisoff
hello Jackie
how are you
I’m good how are you Wendy
I am so great
and I’m so honoured that you are here today
and I am very much looking forward to our conversation
that we are going to talk about today
and that has to do with how
each of you who are listening today
how it is that you can stay
empowered during your divorce and not get distracted
but before we dive in
I wanna share a little bit more
about you with our audience today
so Jackie is the creator
and editor in chief of Divorced Girl Smiling
a media company comprised of a website
podcast mobile app
and professional resources
Divorce Girl smiling is a well known marketing platform
brand and global community
Divorce Girl Smiling has a mission to empower
connect and inspire men and women before
during and after divorce
Jackie holds a master’s degree in broadcast journalism
she is a former TV news reporter and features reporter
as well as a writer for the Chicago Tribune
her syndicated weekly column
Love Essentially
was published in the Pioneer Press
the Chicago Tribune
and all Tribune Publishing editions
for six and a/2 years
she was also a Huffington Post divorce blogger
for about 5 years
so Jackie quite the resume
and I am a huge fan and follower of you
you helped me through much of my divorce process
so truly I am so honored that you were here today
and I would love for you to share with our audience
a little bit about your journey and motivation
to do the work that you do today
uh Wendy thanks so much
I’m a huge fan of yours too
I’m glad I inspired you a little bit
and now you’ve just gone and exploded
so I’m really happy for all of your success
and you’re helping so many people
it’s just wonderful
so thanks for having me
in answer to your question
I think I’m a lot older than you
I went through a divorce 15 years ago
can’t believe it’s been 15 years
I had two kids who were 3 and 5
I had no family in town
and when you think back 2007
there was no internet like it is today
there were no divorce support groups
there wasn’t even such thing as a divorce coach yet
so I was very lonely
I felt isolated
I felt like there was no one I could really talk to
I love my married friends
but they didn’t really understand how I was feeling
and so when people started blogging
I thought well
this is my way of giving back and helping people
and I never realized or believe I
I didn’t even think about it
that it would turn into what it is today
the podcast
all of the resources and
and become my full time job
which is really a dream for me
to be able to spend my career
really helping other people who are in a bad place
as I was yeah
that’s so beautiful
and it’s always about paying it forward right
because so many of us wish
I always say like
I wish I had me six and a/2 years ago right
and that’s what keeps us
motivated to do the work that we do today
is because we really do wanna pay it forward
and I know that you know
you’ve talked about
I mean I’ve
I’ve read so many articles on Divorce
Girl smiling
but you know
you talk about how everybody you know
you included
we go on this roller coaster of emotions right
and it’s so easy for us
get incredibly distracted along the way
and I find that most of what we get distracted by
are those emotions that we are navigating
so I would love for you to share a little bit about
what it is that
you see or hear a lot of women get distracted by
and then we can kind of talk about how it is that
we can teach them to shift
so some of the things people get distracted by
are things that
shouldn’t even bother you
but at the time
they do and so
things like okay
I’m just gonna think back to my experience
so you know
like people
when you’re getting divorced will call you and you know
you’re trying to be a mom
I had two kids 3 and 5
you’re trying to play with your kids
you’re trying to feed them
do the dishes clean up
and you get a call and it’s a woman saying like
hey I heard you’re getting divorced
what happened oh like
you’re gonna sit and have a conversation with someone
in front of your kids
who you haven’t talked to in six months
who you is just trying to get the scoop
you know so that’s one example or
um you know
you find out that your ex just started dating someone
and you know
I found that out and I was already separated
so I don’t believe my ex was cheating
but still it was like a punch in the stomach
it killed me
so that was a distraction um
another distraction is like
when you have a really bad date
and then you come home and you’re like
I’m never gonna meet anyone
I’m gonna be alone until I’m 90
this is awful
and you just cry yourself to sleep
should I keep going
yeah no I no
but what I think the theme of what it is that you
are sharing is that a lot of this is based on external
right external forces or people that are trying well
what I always say is that they’re reflecting to us
what their discomfort is around
what it is that we are going through
so we get sucked into that vortex of trying
you know of
of getting ourselves distracted
by where it is that we are
and if anything it’s like
these external distractions just are fueled to
the fire that we’re not wanting to continue to set
we’re actually looking to burn it out right
so you know
these are the ways that we
allow ourselves to get distracted
you know what was your experience or what have you seen
cause I know that you also run a really great
community on Facebook
like what are you seeing
are are you seeing this a lot within your community
and what’s the type of
advice that you would give somebody around that
so you have a really good point
everything that comes at us is external
and what one of the hardest things for people to
they know this
but they can’t really do it
is to sit back and say
these are the uncontrollables
I I have no control
that this woman just called me to get the scoop
I have no control that
this guy went out with was just not for me I mean
you do cause you picked them on Bumble or whatever
and that that’s okay
but you have no control that it wasn’t right
or you have no control that up specially over your ex
what he’s doing is just completely beyond your control
and that is so hard for women I mean
and men too
it the hardest thing is that you have no control
you have no control
when you drop those kids off at your ex’s house
what’s gonna go on there
are they gonna brush their teeth
are they gonna eat junk food
every minute
you have no control
but what you have control over
and this is what ties into being empowered
is how you are going to
handle these things coming at you
and how long it’s gonna take you
to just take a deep breath
let it roll
off you like
rain on a raincoat
and move on with your day
because you can’t control other people
but I do wanna stress that
you also shouldn’t deny yourself
if you need to cry
or be upset at one of these external factors
but then you have to move on
do you agree with that
yeah I know
100% I actually
my whole philosophy is that
you’ve got to feel through it
to heal and release it
that’s my motto
you know it’s
a lot of reasons why people get stuck
or they say like
two years later
why am I still in the same place
it’s because
you really haven’t allowed yourself to fully lean into
what it is that you are experiencing
cause we get into that place of judgment
and guilt and shame
and you know
insert negative emotion
that you’re feeling
and we allow ourselves to get
again distracted
by the negativity
and we then just
shut the emotions down
because we don’t give ourselves compassion to really
you know see ourselves as human beings
we don’t give ourselves
the same compassion that we would
our friends
or even our children
we’re so hard on ourselves
we’re we’re harder on ourselves
and we are you know
most people are on you know
other people right
we don’t afford ourselves
the same Grace that we do
and I think that you know
it also gets back to like
what is it that you have control over
right you have
go ahead okay
I was just gonna say
so now the listeners might be a little confused
while you’re telling me that a distraction
I shouldn’t let it
distract me
but yet you’re telling me to feel it
so I kind of wanna address that yeah
so one thing that I used to do that was very helpful
is if I was upset
like let’s say
you know back then
there was really
not a ton of
email and text
like there was no texting yet and
I would get
a call from my lawyer
telling me like some
really news that I didn’t wanna hear about my case wow
I knew that I
was being billed at 3
50 or 400 an hour
and I would be sitting there with my kids
trying not to cry
so and not even being able to talk really
having to go in another room
and keep one eye
out and watch
the kids and
but what I wanna tell
people is that if
you say to yourself
okay this is
extremely upsetting
I really wanna cry
and then say I’m gonna
allow myself tonight
after I put my
kids to bed
if you schedule
it almost and say
I’m gonna let myself
hysterically break down
and feel the sadness that I’m feeling
but I can’t do it until the
kids are in bed
do you think
cause if you
schedule it
then you’re able to go on with your day
because you know
you’re gonna be
allowed to feel that tonight
so if you can just
put it off for a
couple of hours
it it might be yes
no I totally agree
um you know
when we talk about
not allowing
yourself to
get distracted
I actually think that when
you don’t feel it
that is what distracts you right
you think that
you’re putting it away
you’re compartmentalizing
but you’re not
what you’re doing is
you’re you know
I call it kind of like this volcano
effect right
if you don’t
allow yourself that time
if you don’t
schedule that time
for yourself to
really feel through it
you are going to
allow yourself to continue to
get distracted
by an emotion that comes up right
so you know
for example
like I’ll never forget
the day that my
kids came home
and told me that they met their
dad’s girlfriend
I had no idea that they were meeting her
I had no idea
I knew that they were dating
but like I didn’t know that it was
at that point
right and so
I remember that moment
and I remember like
I had to bite
the inside of my lip
and I did remove myself from the room
making sure my
kids were still safe
same thing I had to
let an initial little something
out because
I didn’t want it to be in front of my kids
but then I went back out
I was a mom
and then after they went to bed
I probably poured myself a glass of wine
I don’t remember
that was part of it or not
all your girlfriends
and cried exactly
I used to do
yeah exactly
and so I I want
people to understand
that it’s not a
matter of um
you’re not distracting
yourself by
putting it away
for an hour or two
what ends up
causing you
the most harm
is when you
don’t allow
yourself to feel it
right and I
I love the idea of scheduling
and I actually even take it a step further
which is scheduling
the amount of time
you let yourself
feel it because
you could sit there
and feel it
and feel it
and feel it
and feel it
but when you know that
you’ve got kind of like
I’m gonna give myself
like an hour or two
right and I’m
really gonna just like
lean into this 100%
you feel such a release
afterwards right
that’s the release
set part the heal
and release
because you’re
letting yourself have that time
scheduling that time
and what I find is that
you then take your
energy back right
you take back
your power in
how it is that
you are addressing
the situation
that has come up
and you’re standing tall
that’s that’s
how I see it
I don’t know if
you agree with that or not okay
I like that idea
and you could even say
I’m gonna give myself
the rest of tonight yeah
it’s a wash
I’m gonna drink wine
I’m gonna lay in bed and cry
and call my girlfriends
and then tomorrow
when I wake up
it’s gonna be a new day
and I’m not
not allowed to think about it
but I’m done
feeling sorry
for myself tomorrow
morning yeah
and the other
tip I was gonna
say is a lot of
people well
I’m a huge fan of journaling
but well obviously journalist
but a lot of
people journal
and they feel so much better
so if you get some
really bad news
or something happens
and you’re with your kids
or you can’t
you can just start writing down in
your notebook
and your kids won’t
really know what
you’re doing
and it might really
really help
you release some stress
and they won’t even know yeah
I’m a huge proponent
of journaling
whatever that looks like
I’m not saying
you have to do it every single day
but there’s
and I fight it
sometimes like
I have a morning ritual now
where I actually do
allow myself to write
I don’t judge
what comes up
I don’t judge
how long I write
for or know
how many pages of my journal
I’m covering today
but I agree with you
cause I find that when
at least for me
this is my process
when I allow myself to write
my subconscious
mind comes in
and kind of
takes over and
all the sudden
these new thoughts start flooding in
that wouldn’t normally come to me
because I’m
living so consciously
that I’m allowing again
back to this
like external
noise to come in
it doesn’t allow me to
process and
I’m sure some people
are out there going
I’m so tired of
living in my head
well then stop
and figure out a way
to get what’s in
your head out
because the
reason that
you feel like
you are constantly
living in your head
that you’re
you have a headache
your head hurts
why can’t you stop
the thoughts
it’s because you’re not
allowing them
to really come through
and I agree with you
I think writing is
for me again
and you know
a lot of my clients do it too
but it’s such a therapeutic
way for you to
really sort through things
and to see things
in a different light
okay and I have another chip
that’s very true
but then I have another
tip to get as
you were just
saying get things
out of your head
your head is crowded
so make room
for some goodness
so that it crowds
out all that negativity
so let’s say
you just found
out that your ex
is dating your
neighbor Gee
where did I come
out with that
example okay
I was literally
it’s been 15 years and I still am not about it
but anyway I um
I wish I would have known back
then whenever I was thinking about that
cause it was constantly in my head
looking at her house saying
I wonder if he’s there
you know he’s there
what are they doing crap over
get out that toxic energy in your head with what am I
what’s going well in my life right now
let’s just completely shift
I have a great
at the time
two parents
best parents you could ask for
best siblings
best family
two healthy
beautiful kids
you know just basics
basics things that you have
how about I have my health and anything
I have my dog
I have I live in a beautiful home
and then people might be listening on
well you know
screw you Jackie
I have to sell it
I’m getting divorced okay
so maybe not your home
but you’re eventually gonna find another home that
you really love and feel comfortable
and you’re not gonna live in a dump
so try to think of really good things
and that will not give you
then you can’t possibly think
think of two things at the same time
so just make a note to yourself
condition your mind
that every time you’re thinking about that bad thing
think of something else that’s good
yeah I love that advice
and you know
and I’ll throw something else on there too
it’s just in order to get there
just take a deep breath
like one deep breath
helps you to kind of reset your nervous system right
to get yourself into that place where you can shift
and I love that you point that stuff out because
we constantly focus on the glass half empty
instead of looking at the glass half full
you actually woke up and took a breath today
do you have coffee in your cupboard that
you’re able to make for yourself this morning
did you successfully get your kids off to school
did you remember to take them to school this morning
right little
little things right
I love the coffee example because I’ll never forget
I I used to call my dad every morning
he’s no longer with us
but when I was going through my divorce
I called him every morning and we would just talk
I did it that for pretty much my whole life
not for long
we talked for like five or 10 or 15 minutes
and one morning
I called him and I was crying and I’m like
this is horrible
blah blah blah
my dad goes
how’s your coffee
I mean Wendy
can you believe what a great guy he was
he was and I go
what do you mean
he’s like well
how does it taste
and I’m like
it’s delicious
and he’s like okay
you’re gonna have a good day
you got really good coffee
I love that
I’ve never heard that story before so guys
I wasn’t prompted for that in any way shape or form
but it’s true like
God bless your dad and may he rest in peace you know
I love that example
you know and similarly
you know my mom would always say
and you know
is you and I were talking about before
and those of you guys who follow my story
you know my mom was fighting ovarian cancer
during my entire divorce process
like the day I asked for a divorce
the same day my mom was diagnosed
and she would always say to me
Wendy you have your health
Wendy you have two incredible children
Wendy you have did it
you you know
and at the time
I’m thinking to myself
like my husband cheated
he’s an asshole
he’s this like finger pointing
and my mom would always bring me back and be like
you have your health
you have a house over your head
you have two boys
who love and worship the ground you walk on
you’ve got dad and me
you’ve got you know
at the time
my sister you know
who I’m estranged from so now
but I agree with you
I think that we don’t allow ourselves the opportunity
to think about the little stuff
because we don’t think that they carry as much weight
when in fact
they carry more weight than anything absolutely
and it’s interesting
because I know that um
you had a wedding and are very happy
and everything’s great
and I am extremely
happy in my real long term relationship
and but I know
as much as I am head over heels
with my boyfriend and you
with your husband
I think you’ll agree with me
I would be fine
I mean I would be completely heartbroken if it ended
but I know that I would be happy and fulfilled
even if I didn’t have him
and that’s where I like seeing divorce women get to
not I need to meet someone and I have to get remarried
I’m really happy with my life
and my significant other adds to that
exactly and I think that’s the true source of power
right is knowing that
you have the control over how it is that you feel
the life that it is that you lead
I mean let’s be honest
Jackie like
later in life
we’re looking for different things right
we check the baby daddy box
and we had our two kids
and you know
but what I’ll also say to you
and I hope listeners are hearing you say too
is that it’s important for you to do the work
you’ve gotta do the work on yourself
where you are
at a place where you can look in the mirror
where you have your self worth
your confidence back
where you feel
like you have created a life for yourself
and when you are out there seeking somebody it’s
I wasn’t out there seeking somebody to take care of me
or to reproduce with
to have children
I wanted somebody
who was going to be like
I already had a Sunday with a cherry on top
but I like cherry
so I wanted a second one
is my Sunday still gonna taste amazing without
the second cherry
absolutely do I love having the second cherry
absolutely right
Jeff knew when he came into my life
that I wanted someone to share it with
I didn’t need somebody to create it for me
or to help me build it
that doesn’t mean that we’re
not building a life together
but the ultimate
moment where I knew that I
was standing in my full power
and when I say that
it’s really about standing in
knowing who I am as a person
and what I’m fully capable of
everything else is just
it’s extra cherries on top
I love that
we are in very similar situations
and I would say
the No. 1 reason my relationship is so great
is because we are two totally independent people
who are like
partners and in love
and it’s fun
and it really is very romantic
when you know
you’re together for the right reasons
you don’t need each other financially
you don’t you know
you’re not desperate
we’re both doing our own things
and then coming together at the end of every day
to share our lives and share our stories
and it’s just beautiful
I mean it’s a wonderful way to be
I agree and
and I’ll tell you
like I didn’t understand
how much better it is when it’s that way you know
I had come out of such a codependent marriage I was in
I had no clue who I was I didn’t
I didn’t have a concept of what I liked
versus what my husband liked at the time
and to be in this place now
I mean I literally
I always say
I’m like I well
and even in my book
I have a dedication at the end
where I literally
like give thanks to my divorce
because I wouldn’t be standing here today
I you know I
I wouldn’t have the life that I have
I wouldn’t know
who it is that I am
and I think that
had I allowed
all those little things to distract me along the way
had I gotten caught up and focused on him
and what he was doing all the time
I wouldn’t be where I am today
and I think you make a really important point
that you know
some of us have to learn later in life
oh well well
I will say this
so the listeners don’t think I’m
think I’m holier than now
when I got divorced
I swear this is true
I was on a mission to find husband number two
I I didn’t know how
what else I was supposed to be
so here you know
I’m a master’s degree in journalism
and I couldn’t
even fathom that
cause I didn’t like myself
I didn’t have self confidence
I was not who I was
so I was gonna find another husband
cause that’s what I knew how to do be married
cook dinner
you know and so
um I’m actually watching the show right now
Marvelous Mrs
Maisel and I kind of remind
she reminds me of me
so I didn’t really know what I was supposed to do
and looking for husband number two
could not have been a worse experience
it was like
jerk after jerk after jerk
because I was just desperate
and looking for the wrong things
people did not treat me well
I didn’t like myself
just got into trouble
it was awful
and when I finally figured out
that wasn’t the answer
that’s when I met my die
eight years
later but no
it didn’t take eight years
like I was in another relationship
but I had when I started working on myself
working on my career
doing things that precipitated self love
and empowerment
that’s when I really
saw a transformation
and I was such a better person
therefore being a better partner
and not desperate
and just trying to be
a housewife
yeah I hear you
I um you know
I will say I
I didn’t know what I wanted
I didn’t even know who I was
it just to even know
what I wanted
at the time
I thought I wanted him back
but Wendy at least
you weren’t looking
for husband
number two well
I wasn’t because
and I’ll tell you why
and you know
this is real guys
like I wasn’t
because my ex
husband moved so fast
and my kids
were such a mess
that I couldn’t even
my head was spinning so fast
I didn’t have time to think about
a husband or
I mean it was like
he was moving on
getting married
having a baby and he
and it was like
is the ink dry yet
like you know
it was one of those situations for me
so like for me
I wasn’t even in a place where that was a
a thought process
and when it was like
my thought process
you know here
we’re shifting into dating
you guys was
it very different for me
because I was with
him since I was 18
I never dated
so I actually dated in my 40s
for the first time
and I had fun
I wanted to have fun
I wanted to have fun
I wanted to feel confident
and who I was
learning myself to be part of
it was also
like you know
I have still
had it stuck in my head
that like oh
I want him to regret losing me
not that I wanted him back
but I wanted
you know again
this external thing that we
so deeply desire
for so long
and it wasn’t until I got
out of that phase
that I didn’t know what I wanted
but I will tell you
that when I knew what I wanted
and when I wanted it
Jeff came in my life
six weeks later
like it was that fast
I just gotten out of another relationship
six weeks later
I met Jeff because I was clear in what I wanted
and I was ready for my
for my forever
and see that’s the one question
that is the most common question people ask me
why can’t I meet someone right is
isn’t that what you hear in your sessions all the time
why can’t I meet somebody
and people think it’s the guys
it’s the other people and it is
there’s some real jerks out there
and it does take a lot of patience and time
but you have to fix yourself
so that you’re in the best position to meet someone
well it is it’s all energy
I mean you’re
if you’re not ready
you’re not gonna attract the person that is intended to
be with you
when you are at your best version of yourself you know
what you put out
you get back
so everything plays a role in this
I mean until you get crystal clear on what it is that
you wanna manifest you
you won’t have it
because until you are truly
and authentically being who it is that you are
you won’t call in your destiny
you won’t call in what it is that you want
it doesn’t even have to be a man
it can be your career
it can be you know
it can be a
a whatever it is
like you know
financial goals
whatever it is that you want
you know there’s so I mean
let’s be honest Jackie
there’s so much
I wish I could have gone back and told myself
like you know
for me it was six and a/2 years ago
I wasted a couple of years of you know
finger pointing and still
you know trying to get my husband back
even though he was gone years before you know
there’s so much I wish I could go back and tell myself
but you know
I I’m glad I don’t
the worst most unproductive thing is going back and say
I should have
I could have
that’s the worst
there is not one benefit to doing that
and all it does is make you feel depressed
and sad and bad about yourself
so whenever you feel that way
just say to yourself
I’m not gonna say that
instead I’m gonna say
what am I doing now
and what do I want for my future
and how am I gonna get it
I love it cause I was gonna say
so what do we tell people to focus on now right
you just answered that question
and actually
don’t they say
if you focus too much on the future
that causes anxiety also
so where am I today
and what do I want
what is making me happy
and what do I
want because you have to do a little bit of the future
like if I wanna become a lawyer
I need to go to law school
so do I wanna go to law school
is this what I want
okay then I’m gonna take steps to do it
exactly it’s about focusing on the now
based on where it is that you wanna go right
so getting clear on what that vision is
and knowing what it is that you
get to start doing today to change your life now Wendy
I have a question to ask you as a coach
what if somebody
cause I bet you people are listening thinking well
I really don’t know what I want
so what do you tell people when they’re like
I don’t really know what I wanna do
well so everyone says this to me all the time
one of the first questions I ask when I get on
support calls with clients uh
or just people on my list
which by the way
are free um
I the first question I ask them is
where do you want your life to be in six months
and they go
I have no idea
and the next question I say is well
how do you wanna feel in six months
and then they start spewing well
I don’t want to
and I will stop them and say no
I don’t wanna hear what you don’t want
I wanna hear what you want
we are so clear on what we don’t want
but yet we have such trouble
flipping the narrative on what it is that you want
you don’t want to be with someone who lies
okay so you want honesty
yeah I want honesty
I don’t wanna feel trapped okay
so you want freedom
the universe doesn’t hear not don’t
the universe just hears the word trapped
manipulative liar
gosh that’s great
I’ve never heard this before
so that’s how I flip the conversation
because we’re so clear on what we don’t want
and then what
what I tell people is
and by the way
everybody listening
I am not a coach
I would highly recommend Wendy as a coach
um but I do
think that I have spent 10 years in
interviewing coaches and therapists
and I’ve heard enough to be able to give some advice
plus what I went through
but anyway what I was gonna say is that
I always tell people
if they’re trying to figure out like
what they wanna do
I have to go back to work
but I don’t know what I wanna do
what do you enjoy doing
who do you enjoy being around
what are you good at
what did you used to do before you had kids
and then you kind of let it go
because you didn’t have time for it
and so there must be like
a list of questions
right that they teach you in coaching school
yes there’s a list of questions that I you know
are somewhere I used to need them more than I do
not my coaching certificate
well it’s common sense
it’s like what do you like to do
it’s pretty basic
yeah well it should be
but it’s hard for a lot of people because they’ve
they’ve been in people pleasing mode for so long
or they’ve been so focused on their children
I mean I use this example all the time
when my husband and I separated
when James and I separated
my parents came down to LA
to take me out to dinner for my birthday
and my mom said
we wanna take you to your favorite restaurant
make the reservation and we’ll be there
and I started crying
and she’s like
Wendy what’s wrong
I’m like I don’t
I don’t know what my favorite restaurant is
I’m like I don’t
I don’t even know how to answer that question like
cause he wasn’t in my life
and that’s I mean
that’s how it goes for some of us
we’re just in that zone
and right I
I can’t make a decision even
it’s just even hard to make a simple decision
but I do wanna tell your
your listeners one more thing
let’s say say well
I wanna be like me
I wanna be you know
a reporter again
and believe me when I tell you
rejection after rejection
nobody wanted me 20 years later
whatever no
it was like 10 years later
but how I got back into media
and this is my point
my whole career
what I’m doing
started with me getting a job for $50 a week to write
a little tiny column in the Glenview Announcements
as it was like Glenview this like
this is what you can do this weekend in Glenview
and so I guess what I wanna tell people is like
it’s okay if you have to start small
just do what you love
and don’t feel like it’s beneath you to do an intern
job or anything that makes you happy
because believe me
when they get to know you and you
they see your hard work
it’ll build
so that little turned into me writing feature stories
which then turned into me having my own column
which then turned into me having love
essentially another column
so everything builds on your hard work
and showing your authentic self
and showing everyone what a wonderful person you are
and then the little thing will become much bigger
exactly oh Jackie
thank you so much for being here today
and sharing so much wonderful
wisdom with our audience today
and I wanna make sure that everybody knows where they
can find you and your amazing content
so please share
and everybody listening
this will also be in the show notes
thank you so much Wendy
I really appreciate the opportunity
it was so nice to talk to you
I loved our conversation
to the listeners
you can find me on divorced girlsmilling
com that will take
you to articles about dating and divorced
and podcast
videos and my wonderful trusted resources on the site
yeah and Jackie
I’m in also plug
she’s a great Facebook group as well that you guys
should check out by the same name divorce girl smiling
it’s a great community
that you guys can also join and
and get some great content
feel community
it’s awesome
so Jackie oh
and tell everybody about your free ebook too
don’t listen
forget about oh
so which one am I giving away
the haha well
there’s two
you talked about
but it was you can pick it
but if you guys email Wendy
I will send you my show
forward it to me and I’ll send you my free ebook
one of them okay
I have the link for the divorced and dating
and then I have
you said another one
day one to the rest of your happy
authentic life
either one okay
you can pick
so you guys
can pick which ebook it is that you guys want Jackie
thank you again for being here today
and for all the work that you do
in this world
you are just
you’re one of my favorite people
and I just adore you
thank you for joining me today
thanks Wendy
thanks again for having me
of course and everybody tuning in today
as you guys know
with every guest that I have on
and every conversation that we have
my goal is to help you navigate
wherever it is that you guys are in your process
to help you
unleash the power within
so that you can start living your life authentically
and to start creating that abundance that is
just waiting for you
on the other side
thank you so much for tuning in today
don’t forget to also
subscribe to this podcast
you can also join my Facebook group
which is called
Divorce Rehab with Wendy
and I hope that you
guys have a beautiful rest of your day
sending you so much love
light and joy
as always Mwah
bye everybody
thanks for tuning in to another episode
of The Divorced Woman’s Guide podcast
if you like what you hear
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