[00:00:00] Hello everybody. And welcome to another episode of the divorced women’s guide podcast. I am so excited to be here with you guys today to talk about how it is that you get to start thinking about reinventing yourself. And in that process, rebuilding your confidence. And I know that so many of us lose so much self-esteem and.
[00:00:30] It’s normal. I’m here to say that it is completely normal and you are not alone. So I’m always asked the question, why do you, how am I going to get back to that place? It’s the one thing that I’ve lost. It’s the one thing that I work on. And what I can tell you is that the best way to start on that path to start regaining your confidence after divorce and rebuilding, that self-esteem is to really start focusing on.
[00:00:57] You to get connected to the things that are important to you that have value to you that help you to fill your cup. It is so incredibly important to stop looking outward or pointing the finger or comparing yourself. Because at the end of the day, you are an incredible person. You are strong, you are wonderful.
[00:01:22] You have value, you are generous, you are caring, you are love. And I know that it’s going to take some time for you to see that again. And maybe some of you are saying to yourselves that’s never going to happen or that’s just not true. I believe that it is. And I’m going to take the stand in today’s episode and let you know that regaining your confidence is possible.
[00:01:44] It just takes time and it takes consistent action. As you are embarking on this path, I want to share three tips with you guys today to help you to start on your path of regaining your self-confidence. So tip number one is to celebrate the little wins. Now. So many times we think that these wins have to be these huge accomplishments, right?
[00:02:12] That are award worthy that are shout from the rooftops worthy. I’m here to tell you that is just an unrealistic goal. We don’t create firework moments, 24 seven. If we are thinking about our accomplishments on such a grand scale. So the types of small accomplishments I’m talking about include the following.
[00:02:34] You acknowledging that you took a step back and how it is that you engaged with your ex-spouse or perhaps. It’s actually standing in your power in implementing one of your boundaries. Do you stop and say to yourself, oh my God, I did that today. I know I’m guilty of not celebrating myself anywhere near enough.
[00:02:59] And let’s be real for those of you who really know me. I love my birthday. I love celebrating. And yet when it comes to my own accomplishments, I forget. I forget to celebrate my accomplishments. And I remember when I was going through divorce, a lot of it had to do with the fact that I didn’t think I was worthy.
[00:03:17] I didn’t think it was really that big of a deal. How many of you guys say that to yourselves all the time? So what I am here to invite you to start doing today. Is to start celebrating these little accomplishments, these little wins, maybe you woke up and you didn’t cry today, or maybe you implemented a new morning routine and you’re through day three.
[00:03:43] And it’s not just about verbalizing the celebration. It’s literally rewarding yourself. So what are you going to do? What are you going to do for yourself? To acknowledge the accomplishment that you’ve just made. It could be in the form of taking a hot back. It could be in the form of buying yourself your favorite book, maybe it’s I don’t know, giving yourself a manicure, maybe it’s taking a hike whatever it is, you get to pick something really special.
[00:04:11] That celebrates you in that moment. So that’s tip number one, tip number two in building back, your confidence is stop the comparison game. How many of us look at other people’s lives and go, God, I wish.… And I think that social media has really helped to create a comparison game for all of us.
[00:04:37] You guys, at the end of the day, people post what they want you to see. I was guilty of that when I was married, we looked like the perfect family. My friends would comment all the time. How do you get your kids to smile? How do you do this? You don’t know how many takes it took to get to that. And how many bribes that took to the kids to get them to smile for a picture, right?
[00:04:57] Or how many arguments were happening behind the scenes? You just saw literally one second of my life. And you created an entire story around what you think is actually happening behind the scenes. And so I’m here to tell you to please. Remember that what you’re seeing is what other people want you to see.
[00:05:19] And that isn’t what is actually happening. How many of you projected something different to your friends and family about where you were in your marriage and what was actually going on? So ask yourself, do I know this to be true? When you’re in the middle of telling a story about how you think somebody else’s life is, do you have facts?
[00:05:42] Actual facts, not fiction, but facts, because I’m going to bet that you don’t and you’ve made up this entire story, which in the process puts you down, which hits on your self-esteem. So I’m inviting you to start paying attention to your thoughts. And the next time you hear yourself entering into that comparison game, put an end to it and go wait a second. Is that true? Do I even know about that?
[00:06:14] Tip number three. I love that one. The comparison game is a big one. I don’t know about you guys, but like that, one’s a huge one. I used to do that all the time and to be honest, it’s also why I had to stop though. It was stopped following people. And then I also had to stop. I had to stop going on social so frequently.
[00:06:32] It just, it was not healthy for where I was in my process. I’m letting you guys know that if that’s a choice, you get to make, to take a break, to do a timeout on social media because you can’t stop that. I highly recommend it. Okay. Tip number three, you guys is paying attention to how you talk to yourself.
[00:06:51] A big reason why our confidence wanes is because think about all the thoughts that you have. I read a statistic [00:07:00] where I believe 70% of your thoughts on a daily basis are negative. Can you believe that only 30% are positive? Imagine the impact on your self esteem and confidence. If you were to even shift 10% of that into positivity.
[00:07:21] Think about how you talk to yourself and compare not, I always just said, don’t do the comparison game. However, in this case, I’m saying, think about how it is that you speak to other people. How do you speak to your kids? How do you speak to your best friends? Is that how you talk to yourself and let’s think about it a different way.
[00:07:43] Pay attention to what you say to yourself and go what I say this to my best friend, when I say these words to my kids, because I’m going to bet that the answer is without hesitation. The answer is no, you wouldn’t do it. Talk to your friends like that. You wouldn’t talk [00:08:00] to your children like that, but yet we have no trouble talking to ourselves that way then amazing you guys, how little we think.
[00:08:12] About how we speak to ourselves. I really invite you to start thinking about that, thinking about how it is that you are talking to yourself, pointing out the negativity and just be mindful of it and shifting the thought, shifting it into something different. A thought like, oh, why even bother you’re you’re not gonna, you’re not gonna get it done.
[00:08:42] Instead of saying that to yourself, you have the opportunity to say to yourself, I’m going to see how this can get done in the next two days. Maybe it’s not today. Maybe it’s in the next two days. [00:09:00] But being able to move forward and to start building self-esteem in your marriage, or excuse me in your divorce is so incredibly important because you’re about to embark on what I believe is one of the most important experiences of your life.
[00:09:18] It is an incredible opportunity for personal growth. It is an incredible opportunity for you to start. Looking at how it is that you have been treating yourself, how it is that you’ve been talking to yourself and remind yourself that it gets to stop. No one else is going to stop it for you. You get to take your power back and change it for yourself to start standing from a more confident place and take comfort and know that you’re not alone.
[00:09:49] You don’t have to do this alone. I hope that you guys got some really great learnings from today’s episode. I really love talking about confidence because it’s something that. I didn’t realize was an issue for me in my role as Wendy. My confidence was great as a mom. My confidence was great as a wife, but when it came to myself and after my divorce, I had no idea how to build that confidence back because I didn’t even know who she was.
[00:10:22] So I hope that you guys. Embrace the three tips. I hope you start using them today. I always love celebrating you guys. I love celebrating when you email me and tell me what you, how you stepped into your confidence using one of these tips. So don’t be afraid to email me. I love hearing from you guys. You can either reply to the email that you.
[00:10:45] Heard or saw the podcast or viewed it from you guys are also welcome to email firstname.lastname@example.org. You are welcome to also join me in the Facebook group that I run, which is a public or excuse me, it’s private, but it’s open to everybody. It’s called the divorce rehab. We’d love to see you guys there.
[00:11:05] I hope that you guys have a beautiful rest of your day, sending you tons of love, light and joy as always. Bye everybody.
Going through an immense betrayal can be the most difficult thing to get over. In fact, it makes it hard for us to trust others again. Believe me. I know how it feels. My ex-husband cheated on me, and he was the last person I’d have ever thought to be capable of hurting me. It took me some time to realize that trust has to start within ourselves.
After her son was born, Kristy Carruthers had to sell off their clothing, jewelry, and belongings. She started interviewing for jobs at four weeks postpartum. After living on credit cards for a few months, she just hit the end of the rope and ended up having to sell the house to pay the credit card bills. That’s when the mind shift happened. I said to myself, ‘You know what? This can never happen again. This is not acceptable.'”
When I was married, divorce was never on my mind.
It never occurred to me that it had to be something I should learn about.
Fast forward to today, it continues to be that gift that keeps on giving. It has taught me about myself more than I ever knew.
Even though I’ve undergone therapy, I still believe that what I’ve endured and experienced post-divorce unraveled five lessons that I never would’ve discovered on my own.